Humour

Zack wanted to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night."I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this hugehouse all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.""Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. Andif the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"................................................................

"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

We are so pleased to show you our NEW Tropical Home

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing > through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from

him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for

the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is

Friday the 13th. "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said,

"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

Subject: Hillibillies

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on a farm up in the hills.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite .. shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"

As she pulls up her panties she says...
"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen

Mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account
for you?" mother suggested. Susie was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy'.

Don't skip this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorant

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	WHEN we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers. I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was made perfectly each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret he was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
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DEPORT HER TO Britain ! The Rambo Granny of Melbourne , Australia Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down... and shot off their testicles. The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -and, when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. 'The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, 'but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to,' Detective Delp told reporters. 'Both men are still in pretty bad shape, 'but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.' The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row... 'When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, 'I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself ''cause I figured the Law would go easy on them,' recalled the retired library worker.. 'And I wasn't scared of them, either - because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. 'And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one.' So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. 'I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway' and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them,' the oldster recalled... 'So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door, 'and the minute the big one opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs,'right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. 'Then I went in and shot the other one 'as he backed up pleading to me to spare him.' Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in..' Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. 'What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison,' Det. Delp said, 'especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.' DEPORT HER TO Britain - WE NEED HER! And another forty like her